RARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so stressed and i don't know why. Well I do know why but I don't want to talk about it. I really just want REACH to start so I can calm down. I feel like I want to run a jump around but I can't get up. There are so many things that I want to do but I'm being held back, by people and myself. Right now I just feel dead, but at school I don't know I'm different, I smile, and I feel safe. I need a good cry but the tears won't come out. I want to just lay down and have someone to hold that is warm and cheers me up, there is no one and I just feel horrible.

I feel sick every time I think about food and I've basically only been eating dinner for the past few days. Today was the first time I actually ate lunch and I felt miserable during third period that I almost asked to go to the bathroom.

All the things that used to make me happy just don't anymore, all my comfort foods feel like rocks in my stomach. Right now I feel the urge to throw up and I don't even have anything in my stomach.

I can't help but think that my smiles and happiness at school are just a cover, like the make-up people wear, but I wear a smile instead. Because I feel myself laugh and smile and hear the things that come out of my mouth and I just think "This isn't me."

I want my head ache to go away. I want my stomach ache to stop. I want my urge to puke to go away. I wish the urge to cry would stop. I want my feelings to stop about everything and everyone. I just want it all to go away, I want it all to stop.

Currently Listening Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Once More, with Feeling By Various Artists, Joss Whedon, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Christophe Beck I'll Never Tell see related

1. Physiology 1: Dallas
2. Integrated 3: Childers
3. Advanced Algebra: Wetzel
4. World History: Andres
5. Gym: Burgos
6. French 3: Zailian
7. English 3: DeMoisey
Tut. Zailian

i just want to say how much i love mold and keyser building for having it. NO SCHOOL TILL MONDAY!

kena

Currently Listening Twentysomething By Jamie Cullum Old Devil Moon see related

i've been thinking alot lately about relationships and such. and maybe i don't like kate the way i think i do. maybe it is just some gut feeling like everything else. i wish that i could know for sure. i wish that i could talk to you about these feeling face to face but i know that will never happen.

so for now. i think i'm done.

kena

Currently Listening Twentysomething By Jamie Cullum Singin' In The Rain see related

Yes well I know that no one reads this so I might as wel just shut it down.

WRONG. I know that if I shut this down I will just get bored and creat a mew one so why shut it down in the first place.

So I have decided that I am going to write all of my juciy inner thoughts here because no one reads it.... Right.

Let's see #1: I'm not a lesbian... anymore. heh heh.

Yeah so right I'm not actually going to write juciy shit in here. Because then there would be less to talk about.

This is my nerdy side:

I can't wait until school get back in session!!! I want to go back so bad. I really love school now. I used to hate it, like when I was in Evanston, but now I love it.

New me:

I have heard that I have changed alot and well I don't feel like I changed that much but I know that I did on the outside. I finally figured out that dressing like how I did in 8th grade is just a fucking waste of time and money and not very comfortable at all. And I'm just so much happier the way I am right now. I stopped doing everything bad and I mean everything even the things that were really hard to stop. My biggest addiction right now is Kate, my new jeans (that I have worn everyday since I got them), and the urge to go back to school.

I really really like Kate. But I'm going to take it slow so that I can "explore" my options first. Because there are just a few that have sort of popped up lately.

I've been working out lately and I havn't really lost any weight since the end of the school year but I feel better. And kindof look slimmer. I have also been cutting back on eating alot for reasons that I talked about in my last post.

Nothing more to say really,

kena